Ellis's Life in Pictures

We didn't have much time with our little boy, but the time we had was precious. We tried to capture as many moments on camera as possible. These pictures give you a glimpse into the short time we had with Ellis.

The song used in the slide show is significant to us. After we found out about Ellis's complications, a few people recommended the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. Angie is the wife of Todd Smith, one of the members of Selah. A few years back they had a similar experience with their sweet little girl Audrey Caroline. Rebecca read the book back in May, during a particularly difficult time when we weren't sure how long Ellis would be with us. Angie's words communicated so much of what we were feeling and experiencing. We found out that Selah had written a song in honor of Audrey. Two versions were made: one for the loss of a baby girl and one for the loss of a baby boy. In the week following Ellis's birth and death, we spent hours sorting through his photographs, choosing the perfect ones for the slideshow we'd share at his memorial service. We immediately knew we wanted to use the song I Will Carry You, but couldn't find the "boy" version anywhere. Rebecca had emailed with Angie after reading her book and took a chance by asking her where we could find the song. Angie so kindly passed on a copy of the song to us to use with the slideshow. We are so grateful. The words so perfectly convey our thoughts.

We wish we could have shared Ellis with each of you in more real, tangible ways, but we are so glad to share what we have with you. We hope that as you watch the slideshow you will be able to sense the joy we had in meeting Ellis. We miss him terribly, but are thankful for the way these pictures spark our memory.

 

Happy Anniversary

Just over a week ago we celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Simply put, it was good. We felt like we celebrated that day. We remembered the moments between saying, “I do” and celebrating five years of marriage and there were so many wonderful things to remember. Heading into marriage we knew there would be trials ahead. That was a given, but we didn’t worry about it on that day. With blissful ignorance of what events might change the way we think, live, and love, we chose to assume that we’d be happy and able to face those trials as long as we were able to do it together. Now that we’ve weathered the storm, I can say with confidence that although we didn’t know what was to come when we celebrated with friends and family on July 8, 2006, we were right.

The community that surrounded us then, surrounds us now. The better part is that a host of others we didn't know then are a part of our journey now. We're so very thankful.

Lesson from Ellis

I've been encouraged by a few people to post what I shared at Ellis's service. It is a bit long for a blog post so here is a link to a pdf of what I said.

Tim 

Two Weeks Later

Somehow two weeks have managed to pass by. It seems strange that two weeks ago, Ellis was still growing in my womb. At the start of that Sunday, I thought he was still safe. I knew he wasn’t healthy, but for the time being, he was safe. This morning when I woke up, it felt so much like that Sunday, except that the absence of Ellis was piercing my heart. I know he’s in Heaven…it brings me joy when my heart is feeling especially heavy, but sometimes Heaven seems so very far away. I want to picture him there, but sometimes I can’t. I often pray that God will give me glimpses of Heaven and what Ellis’s life might be like there.  

I’m reading a book by Randy Alcorn titled Heaven. It’s putting details into what my imagination had already begun to envision, but I think God is helping me to see what that place is like. Reading about it and pondering it helps it to feel not so far away. Our little Ellis taught us so much these last few months. He helped to set my sight on eternity. Although I knew this was the ultimate as a child of God, I don’t know that I truly lived it until now. God created us for more than our years here on this Earth. He created us with eternity in mind. Our little boy, the one whose breaths only lasted a few minutes, is the one who taught us that lesson. It’s humbling. And thankfully, God is gracefully using it to bring me joy. There is joy in knowing that Ellis is already living out his eternal calling.

With love, Rebecca

Letter to Ellis

I wasn't sure what would become of this blog after Ellis was born. We started it with the intention of keeping people informed, allowing them to pray more specifically for us. Some have asked me if I will continue to write now that Ellis is gone. While pregnant I spent alot of time reading the written words, through books and blogs, of those who had experienced the loss of a typical pregnancy, a "typical" child, or the life of their child. Those words have been encouraging and educational to me as we've walked this unusual path. Now that we are on this side of things I continue to journal, just as I did before. Writing has been a healing process for me and I hope to continue. So, for now, House of Hope will be a place to continue telling Ellis's story and share our thoughts as we process this experience and heal. I hope my words can be an encouragement to others. Thanks for being with us throughout this journey. We have loved sharing Ellis with each of you.

Below you will find a letter that was a compilation of two different journal entries I wrote in the days after we met Ellis. My sister, Sarah, was kind enough to read this for me at the memorial service this past Friday.

My sweet Ellis,

      Monday was your Birth Day. On that day, you blessed us in a whole new way. You came to us. You took a few breaths and your heart beat to the sound of life. You came feet first –leaving your footprint on our world. Daddy and I were scared about you coming, because we knew you’d probably be gone so soon. But, you came and we loved every moment we had with you. We long to hear your beating heart again, like we did as we waited for you to come in that hospital room. We hated to say “Good-bye,” but are so glad we got to say “Hello.”  There is joy in knowing you are home with Jesus.

       I love to picture you running, jumping, and laughing in heaven. My heart is full knowing the joy and freedom you have there. You’re worshipping the Lord fully there, perfectly fulfilling your purpose as a sweet child of God. Daddy and I can’t wait to see you there someday. It gives us hope and helps us push through the days.

      Ellis, your Birth Day was so special and there aren’t words to adequately describe it. I held you in my arms on that day. I don’t ever want to forget how that felt. I want to remember the excitement of hearing Daddy say, “He made it! He’s alive!” I want to remember seeing your full, dark head of hair, feeling your soft skin, smelling your fresh baby scent, and noticing your chin looked like Daddy’s. I miss having you here. I think about how I carried you in my womb and in my arms. I miss your kicks and tumbles. I miss hearing your heartbeat. I miss your long fingers wrapped around mine and your soft, rosy cheeks.  Your earthly body is what I picture in my mind, but I’m sure your heavenly body won’t compare.

      It’s difficult for my mind to stop thinking “pregnant,” where my every thought was, “What does Ellis need right now?” I thought about you all the time. From the way I made sure to lie on my side as I slept, to choosing the right food, to praying over you when I would wake in the night. How could I not think of you in every action when you were my constant companion? You needed me. And now, you don’t. Although Jesus met your needs better than I could while you were here, He is certainly providing for you now. He’s healed your body completely. I can’t stop imagining what that must be like. You are perfectly healthy and whole in ways that you weren’t while you were here. Our big God is so good, but, of course, you already know that…much better than I do.

       My sweet baby, there are hard days ahead for your mommy and daddy, but we are at peace knowing you are in a much better place. I’m praying Jesus will share my written words with you. I can’t wait to be with you again. You will have to show me the best parts of Heaven. For now, I’ll worship our big, good God with you from this place. I love knowing that is something we can still do together.

                I love you, Baby Bear.

                                -Mama

Part 3: Going Home

Part 1 and Part 2 of the story.

Our hearts were full. He was here. And, he was alive! We saw him gasp for a few breaths and felt his body move in our hands. For us, those were sacred moments. Ones we will never forget. Although he only breathed for a matter of minutes, his heartbeat lingered for a while longer. During that time Grandma Linda, Grandpa John, Aunt Sarah, and Aunt Hannah got to meet and hold him.

The rest of the day was truly beautiful. We were able to hold our son, take pictures, and share him with family. Tim's parents and brother, Nate, all made it there that day as well. Uncle Matt, Aunt Molly, Aunt Heather, Uncle Scotty, Aunt Lydia, and Uncle Dave were all there via skype and phone calls throughout the day. We wish we would have had more time to spend with Ellis and to share him with our family and friends, but God gave us a great gift in what we had that day.

Another blessing was the incredible medical staff who took care of us during our stay at the hospital. Every nurse and doctor showed compassion and respect while dealing with such a difficult situation. We felt they truly cared for us and Ellis. It helped make the day more sweet.

At the end of the day, we had a time of prayer with our family. It was a time of thanksgiving for Ellis's life and to say good-bye to his earthly body. After our extended family left, we had time to say our final good-byes and spend a short time together as a family. We journaled with him in our laps, read him one more story, took a few more pictures, gave him one last kiss, and said good-bye. God covered us with grace and peace in that moment.

We miss our boy, but celebrate that he is healthy and whole in Heaven.



Part 2: Hello Ellis

Part 1 of the story can be found here.

As Sunday night progressed into the early morning hours of Monday, Rebecca was able to get some rest. With Ellis's heartbeat as the continuous soundtrack, Tim stayed awake and waited. Rebecca's family arrived around 2:30am. We were so grateful and relieved to see them. It was hard to believe only a few hours earlier they had been home in California. After hugs and hello's, they decided to wait "with" us in the hospital's waiting room instead of going to Rebecca's sister's house to sleep.

The contractions continued to grow in strength and frequency. With each contraction, Ellis's little heartbeat began to waver. Our growing fear was that we would not be able to meet him before he left us. The nurse and the doctor both came to see if we wanted to continue monitoring Ellis's heart. We wanted to hear his heart as long as it had life and so kept the monitors in place. The next hour and a half we had as a family, we will never forget. As the monitor would periodically lose Ellis's heartbeat, we pleaded with God for the chance to meet Ellis. Each time, his little heartbeat would resume. In between our prayers, we read books we'd read to Ellis throughout the pregnancy, as well as our favorite portions of Scripture. We are so glad we had that time as a family.

When we weren't sure how much more time we had with Ellis, we both heard a strange noise. Rebecca's water had broken. The doctor told us it was time. The next 15 to 20 minutes seem like a blur, but in that time we experienced the miracle of life. He surprised us all by coming feet first. The greater surprise was the doctor handing Ellis to Tim and Tim exclaiming, "Rebecca, he made it! He's alive!"

Part 1: It's Time

As promised, we wanted to share more about Ellis's life and the opportunity we had to meet him. We will share the story in parts.

Last Sunday began in a very typical fashion. We had no reason to suspect that anything was different and, in fact, we were quite at ease considering the journey we'd already been on for almost 12 weeks. Soon after waking Rebecca noticed something of concern and decided to call the doctor. He suggested coming in to see him at Labor and Delivery. So, we grabbed our hospital bag and went to the hospital, nervous, but not really thinking this would turn into anything. Rebecca remembers praying that God would prompt others to pray for us at that moment. The uncertainty of the last few months was only multiplied in our hearts as we drove to the hospital.

The doctor monitored Rebecca for a couple of hours, noticed she was having irregular contractions, but decided to send us home with directions to return if the contractions increased in pain and frequency. We left feeling relieved, but aware that something had changed. We had a sense that we'd be meeting Ellis soon, but thought we might still have a little bit more time to prepare. Hungry after a long morning at the hospital, we enjoyed brunch together and then spent the afternoon resting at home.

Rebecca felt contractions on and off throughout the afternoon, but nothing was consistent, although she could feel them with greater intensity. Around 4:40, a series of contractions began that were not only consistent, but continued to grow in strength. Before an hour had passed, Rebecca had 6 contractions and we called the doctor back. He asked us to come in so he could monitor further, but indicated we might be able to go back home either late that night or the next morning. We left for the hospital worried that this might be the real thing. With so many stable appointments in the past month, we had fully expected this moment to be coming in a number of weeks, not hours. It was daunting, but God gave us grace in those moments. This included the willingness of Rebecca's sister, Sarah, to come back to the hospital with us that night. We were so glad to not be going in alone.

After the first examination, the doctor decided to keep us overnight, but things still seemed a bit precautionary. We had contacted our families, letting them know we were going to the hospital, but still thought this could be a false alarm. Rebecca's parents and sister, Hannah, decided to do what they could to catch the last flight out of San Diego that night. It was a moment where they had to make a decision without much information to guide them, but they felt the nudge to go and so they did. They got the last 3 seats on the plane and began their flight to Chicago. We were relieved they were on their way, but didn't know if we would be welcoming them only to say, "Well, he's not coming yet."

By 9pm, the contractions had again grown in strength and regularity. The doctor's examination found that labor was progressing. We began to realize that Ellis was on his way and that by sometime the next day we would be meeting our son.

Thank You

Today we will gather to celebrate Ellis's life. We miss him so deeply, but are glad to be able to share his life with others today. To those who are going to be able to make it to the service this afternoon, thank you. To those of you who can't come, we are blessed by your love from afar. Thank you.

Thank you for loving Ellis with us. If anything, we know this little guy has been loved and that means so much to us.