Redemption

With great frequency, I find myself re-reading my words from this time last year. I’ve yet to do so and not burst into tears. It doesn’t take much for my heart and mind to rush back to that time, experiencing those emotions as if it’s for the first time. Sometimes, I’m still shocked this is my story. Is it really possible we lived through that? Did our firstborn really come and go so quickly? It seems to be common of the human condition that we struggle to embrace parts of who we are or what we’ve become. I’ve never felt that so strongly until I became Ellis’s mother. And yet, in all of this mess, I see Him doing something beautiful. I look at the short life my baby boy was blessed with and know that God did something amazing there. As I read the words I wrote then, His presence is palpable, even a year later. If I’m being truly honest, I have to admit I struggle to feel and know Him now like I did then. I cling to what I know to be true, but sometimes I wonder how I did it at the time, because it seems more difficult today.

Angie Smith wrote about it this way. I resonate deeply with her words here. It hurts and it’s harder than I thought it could be, but I trust, I know He will redeem all things. The beauty in that promise is simply overwhelming. It restores hope and awakens joy to the inner reaches of my weary soul. 

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
Revelation 21:5

Movement

Sometimes it feels like my brain is stuck, unable to move away from painful memories of the past, anxious thoughts about the present, and worries regarding the future. Thankfully, God’s grace is all about making us completely new, a catalyst for change and renewal. I need that, desperately. Recently, I’ve been pondering where I get stuck and beginning to recognize the spaces where movement is taking place in my life.

A year ago at this time, my heart was aching for Ellis. He was here, with me, all the time, but I was anticipating his early departure. I knew it would come soon and frantically sought to bottle up every moment I had with him.  Looking back, I see that time as this strange combination of the best and worst time of my life. It was good because he was here. I could feel him move. After he was gone, I missed that experience the most. But knowing it wouldn't last long made that time feel terrible. I find myself re-reading journal entries from that time in an attempt to feel close to him again.  That old, familiar pain rushes in and I miss him with renewed intensity. Part of me is thankful these days don’t feel so laden with sorrow, but I long for those days when I grieved with him still in my womb. Today, the grief certainly isn’t gone, but it’s evolved and at times, is much more muted. Movement. A shift has taken place in my heart, where I now look back to time already spent with him and look ahead to when I’ll be with him again.  Surges of hope, remind me that this isn’t where it all ends. I’m so thankful. 

The greatest shift has occurred in my status as a mother. Ellis made me a mama, but losing him complicated that. Yes, I was still a mother many promised me, but truth be told, it’s hard to feel that way when you aren’t actively doing so. My “mama-love” threatened to crush me from the inside out, but with nowhere to place it, I felt stuck. Today, I again fall into the category of Expectant Mama and it feels so good to mother again. This new little one, Ellis’s little sibling, has provided an outlet for my “mama-love” and I no longer feel so overwhelmed by that urge. Movement. It hasn’t replaced the pain, but it has certainly been salve on a deep wound. Every time I feel this baby move I am reminded of the goodness of our God and how He’s carried me over the course of this year. Without Him, I would be permanently stuck.

Psalm 40:1-3a
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.