Baby Sister

Somehow a month has gone by. Milly Joy was born on October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. A day when I will always think of my Ellis and now will always celebrate my Milly Joy. I'm glad my two babies can share that day.

She's named for two of her great-grandmothers -- Mildred and Joyce. Two women that left amazing legacies of faith. Two women that I hope Milly will grow to be like. And, I love the sentiment of her carrying the name Joy. She has renewed our joy in ways I didn't anticipate. I didn't know we could feel like this again.

Bringing Milly home has made me miss Ellis with a new intensity. I'm seeing and doing all the things I longed to do with him. It allows me to cherish these moments with Milly, but makes my heart ache for what was lost. It's been difficult to put any of this into words, but I do know the emotions run deep. I've become accustomed to the tangling of joy and sorrow in my life, this last month accentuated that. With time and practice I'm finding better ways to wear both well.

Hello, again

I stopped writing. I don’t know why. Even my journal has been neglected these past few months. There’s no real answer, but I think I just needed to live life for a bit and process quietly. My mind wasn’t ready to articulate the thoughts, emotions, and experiences we were dealing with at the time…even in the privacy of my own journal. So, I took a break and that was good. But today, I sat down to read someone else’s writing and suddenly I missed my own words. I’d picked up the pen and began writing personally a few weeks ago, but it was still sparingly. But today, all of a sudden, I missed writing. So, there are no promises that this writing will continue, but, for now, my voice is ready to be a bit more audible again.

The quiet was good. It was needed and, I think, a part of this healing process we’re still going through. Our hearts have grieved, struggled, ached, hoped, and healed over this last year. I don’t think we’re done with any of those things, as we continue to experience each one.  A year later, it’s hard to envision who we were before we were ever told, “Something’s wrong with your baby.” I’m becoming more comfortable with my new self, but it has been a long year getting to know her…a very long year.

With love,
Rebecca