Movement

Sometimes it feels like my brain is stuck, unable to move away from painful memories of the past, anxious thoughts about the present, and worries regarding the future. Thankfully, God’s grace is all about making us completely new, a catalyst for change and renewal. I need that, desperately. Recently, I’ve been pondering where I get stuck and beginning to recognize the spaces where movement is taking place in my life.

A year ago at this time, my heart was aching for Ellis. He was here, with me, all the time, but I was anticipating his early departure. I knew it would come soon and frantically sought to bottle up every moment I had with him.  Looking back, I see that time as this strange combination of the best and worst time of my life. It was good because he was here. I could feel him move. After he was gone, I missed that experience the most. But knowing it wouldn't last long made that time feel terrible. I find myself re-reading journal entries from that time in an attempt to feel close to him again.  That old, familiar pain rushes in and I miss him with renewed intensity. Part of me is thankful these days don’t feel so laden with sorrow, but I long for those days when I grieved with him still in my womb. Today, the grief certainly isn’t gone, but it’s evolved and at times, is much more muted. Movement. A shift has taken place in my heart, where I now look back to time already spent with him and look ahead to when I’ll be with him again.  Surges of hope, remind me that this isn’t where it all ends. I’m so thankful. 

The greatest shift has occurred in my status as a mother. Ellis made me a mama, but losing him complicated that. Yes, I was still a mother many promised me, but truth be told, it’s hard to feel that way when you aren’t actively doing so. My “mama-love” threatened to crush me from the inside out, but with nowhere to place it, I felt stuck. Today, I again fall into the category of Expectant Mama and it feels so good to mother again. This new little one, Ellis’s little sibling, has provided an outlet for my “mama-love” and I no longer feel so overwhelmed by that urge. Movement. It hasn’t replaced the pain, but it has certainly been salve on a deep wound. Every time I feel this baby move I am reminded of the goodness of our God and how He’s carried me over the course of this year. Without Him, I would be permanently stuck.

Psalm 40:1-3a
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. 

a Savior born

Advent.  Expectant waiting.

Christmas. The birth of a long expected Messiah-- a gift of mercy and grace.

This year I approach Advent and Christmas with a different heart, one that feels a bit battle worn. Nothing feels quite the same anymore, even Christmas.  I love this time of year and I want to enjoy it like I have in years past. But, I don’t know if that’s possible. I think it will always feel different, even when this time of intense grieving is over. I view the world and most experiences through a different lens now. I know it won’t always be so hard, but as with many other things, this time of year is now more complicated.

This year I’m not just waiting for the Christ child to be born. I’m waiting for His redemptive work to bring healing, restoration, and peace. I’m waiting for His mighty hand to shift frustrating circumstances. I’m waiting for the day when the pain of this life will be behind us and the joy of eternity with Him will be in front of us. I’ve never been so thankful for that little baby born in a stable. The day He was born was the beginning of a wonderful story. It brought powerful meaning to my own story and to my baby boy’s story.

When we think about Christmas, our hearts become warm and we romanticize the events of Christ’s coming. Yet this year, I’m struck by the idea that His coming to Earth as a baby , the years that followed, the anticipation of giving up His life for the sake of ours, and His actual death on the cross were evidence of His surrender to the will of God for the sake of our redemption. We think about Christmas and we imagine the wonder of God becoming man, coming to Earth as a baby, the Savior born! And yes, it is a story filled with goodness and joy, but it is also a story of great sacrifice…for Jesus, His heavenly Father, and His earthly parents.  They each gave something that was not easy to give.

Jesus—He gave up His heavenly home, forsaking His equality with God

God the Father – He gave His only Son to live as a human and eventually die an unfair death

Joseph & Mary – they gave up a normal life, one that fit their plan, and a clean reputation

The first Christmas was most definitely filled with grace, wonder, and beauty, but I also believe it was messy and hard.  I’m thankful that God in his infinite goodness chose to send his Son for us. What love, what grace, what sacrifice. It’s the giving up of so much that makes it beautiful. I suppose that’s why we love Christmas so much…an immeasurable gift was given. Something we simply did not deserve and suddenly it was ours. This Christmas the pain of loss is real in my own heart, but I hope that is going to allow me to better understand the sacrifices so integral to this story.

I hope and pray that the wonder of this season fills your home with joy, peace, and love. It’s the prayer I’m praying for our home as well. Merry Christmas, friends.

With love,

Rebecca

Luke 1:46b-47

My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.

Abundance

The holidays are tricky for those who grieve. The sense of loss refreshes in our minds. During a time when the focus is on time spent with family, you can't help but realize family photos will feel incomplete and not every stocking needs to be filled. But as we step closer to Thanksgiving, I'm working hard to remember that which I am thankful for. There's quite a bit, really. Tim and I are truly blessed people.

Family. Home. Church. Marriage. Friends. Income. Freedom. Faith. And above all, we are saved by grace.

Today, I'm remembering to say, "Thank you" to the Giver. He gives abundantly.

Don't miss the miracles

Someone observing our lives for the last five months might come to the conclusion that God didn't answer our prayers or perform any miracles.  After all, numerous people from all over the world joined us in lifting up Ellis in prayer for almost three months, yet he died shortly after being born much like the doctors expected.  We believe that over the last couple months God answered many prayers and even performed miracles. 

It's true that God didn't answer our major prayer request the way we hoped He would.  For reasons we don't understand it was His plan to take Ellis home.  Ellis was God's to give and Ellis was God's to take.  But there were many other prayer requests that God graciously granted to us.  Topping the list was that we met Ellis.  From the first ultrasound when we found Ellis's complications to the 25th week when the amniotic fluid went bone dry to the moments when we lost his heart beat during labor, Ellis wasn't supposed to make it.  We prayed fervently that God would give us the chance to meet Ellis alive and God obliged.  God also answered prayer by giving us peace through the really tough times.  There were many occasions between April 6th and June 27th when God covered us in grace, but the one time that sticks out in my mind was our last few moments with Ellis's earthly body.  It was a moment I had dreaded.  In the hours leading up to saying good-bye I didn't think I could do it.  I thought I was going to have to be physically held back from chasing the nurse down the hallway after she took Ellis's body.  In that time we were covered with peace.  We had a wonderful last couple of moments saying good-bye to our son that I will never forget.  It still wasn't easy but we both felt an overwhelming peace when it came time to call the nurse to take Ellis away.

We also believe that God performed many miracles.  Miracles don’t have to break the laws of nature in front of multitudes of people.  We believe miracles are simply the works of God.  Sometimes God parts the seas or walks on water, other times His ways are more subtle but no less profound.  Ellis himself was a miracle, a wonder of God's creation.  The outpouring of support we received from family, friends, and strangers was miraculous.   The impact of Ellis's short life continues to be a miracle.  His story has been in sermons, Sunday school classes, letters, blogs, emails, and conversations.  God is using Ellis’s life, which lasted less than an hour, to reach many lives.  While we can’t fully understand God’s plan to take Ellis, we believe God has given us just a glimpse into His scheme by letting us see some of the ways Ellis impacted people.   For that, we are grateful.

-Tim

Infinity

Infinity.

     God covers all of that. His love. His goodness. His grace. His wisdom. All of it, infinite. He governs every moment. He holds all things together. He knit Ellis together perfectly because He is God and He is infinitely good. If I don’t believe that, I discredit the essence of who God is.

     Recently, some friends sent Tim and me a book, Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges.  These friends know suffering. They are young, newly married, and life has been uncertain for them these last few months. A diagnosis of leukemia put them in the midst of an intense life storm. Through it all, we’ve watched them remain steadfast in their love and trust of our God. We’re learning from each other, encouraged by each other’s responses to our respective hurdles. In his infinite wisdom, grace, and love God is using others to teach us more about Himself. I’ve only just begun to read the book they sent, but it is already teaching me so much about who our God is and what that means in the midst of suffering.

God never pursues His glory at the expense of the good of His people, nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory. He has designed His eternal purpose so that His glory and our good are inextricably bound together. (p.23-24)

     God in His infinite wisdom, infinite goodness, and infinite power was there when my baby’s brain didn’t form correctly beginning a chain reaction in his body that led to the irregular development of his face, his heart, his lungs, his kidneys, his spine, and even his feet. This God, whose ways are perfect, was the creator of Ellis. I still believe that and I still believe Him to be infinitely good.

     This infinite God cannot be contained, cannot be fully explained, or completely understood. To try to do so as a finite being is impossible. Every explanation or description falls short – that is the wonder of infinity.  The concept is bigger than we can comprehend or imagine, just like every aspect of our God. We cannot adequately describe Him if we cannot explain infinity. It’s humbling. It’s overwhelming. It’s good.

     I hope and pray you’re willing to partner with us in this pursuit to learn about and better know this infinite God. As we’ve already found, God has placed us in each other’s lives to teach, encourage, and grow together. Tim and I know we can’t grasp it all, but we want to discover as much as we can. Please join us, will you?

He does as He pleases…No one can hold back His hand and say to Him, “What have you done?”

-Daniel 4:35

With love,

   Rebecca

The Truth

This coming Monday it will have been 7 weeks since we met our baby boy and held him in our arms. It feels like a long time ago, which is hard. We don’t like feeling so far away from June 27^th, because it makes us feel far away from Ellis. The memories aren’t as fresh and already we begin to wonder, “did it happen this way or that way?” For us, the memories are a mix of joy and sorrow. We met Ellis! But, we also had to give him away. It’s not easy to do that so quickly.

Daily we’re asked, “How are you doing?”Honestly, it’s a tricky question to answer. Sometimes we don’t know what to say, because our emotions are all over the place. In the moments when I’m feeling at peace, I fool myself into thinking I’ll feel this way all day. Only to be kicked in the gut with sorrow or frustration. When I feel deep in the pit, I think I might never get out, yet joy and peace find their way in. So, to answer your question: We’re doing OK…I think. We have moments of joy, sorrow, peace, and frustration. Sometimes, all in a row (practically simultaneously), but from what I hear, that’s OK.

As Tim and I navigate this path, there are three thoughts I keep running into. You know when you feel like God’s really trying to teach you something because you keep hearing or reading the same idea over and over. Well, that’s me right now. Ever since April 6^th, when we heard something was wrong and knew our lives would be changed because of it, I kept coming back to the simple truths about God I’d been taught my whole life. These three truths have been in my thoughts frequently these last few weeks.

1.       We are in the midst of God’s perfect plan for our lives. Strange isn’t it? Life doesn’t feel perfect right now, yet I know God is sovereign and I believe His ways are perfect. This is part of God’s plan for our lives. I don’t fully know why, but I know I can trust His will for my life.

 “This God – his way is perfect”  
-Psalm 18:30 (ESV)  

2.       God’s grace is sufficient. It’s bigger and greater than my biggest and greatest problem. Those low moments we find ourselves in are not without hope, because we KNOW God’s grace still covers us there. And it is He who carries us through those valleys. It is in God’s nature to give abundantly and He gives us a bottomless ocean of grace.

 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 
- 2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)

3.       He is near. These last four months have been hard and there have been moments, days, and weeks when we felt like we were just scraping by. But, I can say with confidence that I have never experienced the nearness of God like I have in these last four months.  There are days ahead that can bring me to my knees with fear and anxiety, but thoughts of those days are coupled with the knowledge that God is near. I have never been more certain of that in my life.

 “But as for me, the nearness of God is my good”
-Psalm 73:28 (NASB)

Today, nearly 7 weeks since Ellis was born and died, we are thankful to know that our God is good. He is so very good.  

“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures.” 
-Psalm 136:1 (NIV)

With love, Rebecca

Lesson from Ellis

I've been encouraged by a few people to post what I shared at Ellis's service. It is a bit long for a blog post so here is a link to a pdf of what I said.

Tim