Redemption

With great frequency, I find myself re-reading my words from this time last year. I’ve yet to do so and not burst into tears. It doesn’t take much for my heart and mind to rush back to that time, experiencing those emotions as if it’s for the first time. Sometimes, I’m still shocked this is my story. Is it really possible we lived through that? Did our firstborn really come and go so quickly? It seems to be common of the human condition that we struggle to embrace parts of who we are or what we’ve become. I’ve never felt that so strongly until I became Ellis’s mother. And yet, in all of this mess, I see Him doing something beautiful. I look at the short life my baby boy was blessed with and know that God did something amazing there. As I read the words I wrote then, His presence is palpable, even a year later. If I’m being truly honest, I have to admit I struggle to feel and know Him now like I did then. I cling to what I know to be true, but sometimes I wonder how I did it at the time, because it seems more difficult today.

Angie Smith wrote about it this way. I resonate deeply with her words here. It hurts and it’s harder than I thought it could be, but I trust, I know He will redeem all things. The beauty in that promise is simply overwhelming. It restores hope and awakens joy to the inner reaches of my weary soul. 

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
Revelation 21:5

6 months

Half a year. It doesn't seem possible for my time with him to be so far away on the calendar. Soon we'll turn the page to a new year, leaving him behind in 2011. Part of me is ready to start a new year, hopeful that it won't be so hard as this one has been. But, the other part of me is sad to move on into a year in which he never lived. For Tim and me, 2011 was defined by Ellis. I remember pondering that during New Year's Eve last year. I thought to myself, "This is the year my baby will be born. 2011 will always be important to us." I had no idea that it would also be the year my baby would die.

6 months later I still struggle with the idea that all of this was unfair. I see God's blessings and grace and know that those too are unfair, but the unfairness of losing Ellis does not sit well in my heart. I don't always feel this way, but it would be dishonest to say that I never felt this way. I'm working on it. I'm learning to trust that His way is truly good and that the plans I concoct for myself are not promised and may not even be good. It's a difficult road to navigate when what you desire seems to be a good thing. Seeing Ellis healed here on Earth, didn't seem like a bad idea. And yet, God in his infinite goodness chose to do otherwise.

I spoke with another grieving mother on Christmas Eve and she shared wonderful insight and words of love with me. She reminded me that we have a choice when we suffer and that licking our wounds, dwelling in the dark, is not going to bring about healing. The little baby born in the manger should cause those of us who suffer to celebrate more than the rest this Christmas. I have to admit, my heart did not feel very celebratory over the weekend, but knowing that my baby boy is rejoicing in Heaven this holiday season reminds me that I should be rejoicing with him. He sees it from a different perspective than I do, but we celebrate the birth of the same Savior. And without that Savior, there would be no reason to rejoice.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, as well.

With love,
Rebecca

Infinity

Infinity.

     God covers all of that. His love. His goodness. His grace. His wisdom. All of it, infinite. He governs every moment. He holds all things together. He knit Ellis together perfectly because He is God and He is infinitely good. If I don’t believe that, I discredit the essence of who God is.

     Recently, some friends sent Tim and me a book, Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges.  These friends know suffering. They are young, newly married, and life has been uncertain for them these last few months. A diagnosis of leukemia put them in the midst of an intense life storm. Through it all, we’ve watched them remain steadfast in their love and trust of our God. We’re learning from each other, encouraged by each other’s responses to our respective hurdles. In his infinite wisdom, grace, and love God is using others to teach us more about Himself. I’ve only just begun to read the book they sent, but it is already teaching me so much about who our God is and what that means in the midst of suffering.

God never pursues His glory at the expense of the good of His people, nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory. He has designed His eternal purpose so that His glory and our good are inextricably bound together. (p.23-24)

     God in His infinite wisdom, infinite goodness, and infinite power was there when my baby’s brain didn’t form correctly beginning a chain reaction in his body that led to the irregular development of his face, his heart, his lungs, his kidneys, his spine, and even his feet. This God, whose ways are perfect, was the creator of Ellis. I still believe that and I still believe Him to be infinitely good.

     This infinite God cannot be contained, cannot be fully explained, or completely understood. To try to do so as a finite being is impossible. Every explanation or description falls short – that is the wonder of infinity.  The concept is bigger than we can comprehend or imagine, just like every aspect of our God. We cannot adequately describe Him if we cannot explain infinity. It’s humbling. It’s overwhelming. It’s good.

     I hope and pray you’re willing to partner with us in this pursuit to learn about and better know this infinite God. As we’ve already found, God has placed us in each other’s lives to teach, encourage, and grow together. Tim and I know we can’t grasp it all, but we want to discover as much as we can. Please join us, will you?

He does as He pleases…No one can hold back His hand and say to Him, “What have you done?”

-Daniel 4:35

With love,

   Rebecca

The Truth

This coming Monday it will have been 7 weeks since we met our baby boy and held him in our arms. It feels like a long time ago, which is hard. We don’t like feeling so far away from June 27^th, because it makes us feel far away from Ellis. The memories aren’t as fresh and already we begin to wonder, “did it happen this way or that way?” For us, the memories are a mix of joy and sorrow. We met Ellis! But, we also had to give him away. It’s not easy to do that so quickly.

Daily we’re asked, “How are you doing?”Honestly, it’s a tricky question to answer. Sometimes we don’t know what to say, because our emotions are all over the place. In the moments when I’m feeling at peace, I fool myself into thinking I’ll feel this way all day. Only to be kicked in the gut with sorrow or frustration. When I feel deep in the pit, I think I might never get out, yet joy and peace find their way in. So, to answer your question: We’re doing OK…I think. We have moments of joy, sorrow, peace, and frustration. Sometimes, all in a row (practically simultaneously), but from what I hear, that’s OK.

As Tim and I navigate this path, there are three thoughts I keep running into. You know when you feel like God’s really trying to teach you something because you keep hearing or reading the same idea over and over. Well, that’s me right now. Ever since April 6^th, when we heard something was wrong and knew our lives would be changed because of it, I kept coming back to the simple truths about God I’d been taught my whole life. These three truths have been in my thoughts frequently these last few weeks.

1.       We are in the midst of God’s perfect plan for our lives. Strange isn’t it? Life doesn’t feel perfect right now, yet I know God is sovereign and I believe His ways are perfect. This is part of God’s plan for our lives. I don’t fully know why, but I know I can trust His will for my life.

 “This God – his way is perfect”  
-Psalm 18:30 (ESV)  

2.       God’s grace is sufficient. It’s bigger and greater than my biggest and greatest problem. Those low moments we find ourselves in are not without hope, because we KNOW God’s grace still covers us there. And it is He who carries us through those valleys. It is in God’s nature to give abundantly and He gives us a bottomless ocean of grace.

 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 
- 2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)

3.       He is near. These last four months have been hard and there have been moments, days, and weeks when we felt like we were just scraping by. But, I can say with confidence that I have never experienced the nearness of God like I have in these last four months.  There are days ahead that can bring me to my knees with fear and anxiety, but thoughts of those days are coupled with the knowledge that God is near. I have never been more certain of that in my life.

 “But as for me, the nearness of God is my good”
-Psalm 73:28 (NASB)

Today, nearly 7 weeks since Ellis was born and died, we are thankful to know that our God is good. He is so very good.  

“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures.” 
-Psalm 136:1 (NIV)

With love, Rebecca