A sister for Ellis

We’ve been told this little growing life is a girl. And, we’re thrilled. I think it would have been an emotional experience no matter the gender of this baby. It suddenly gave dimension to this baby’s role as a sibling of Ellis. I’ve been missing him intensely these days. It’s been nearly a year since I held him in my arms and I can’t stop thinking about that. I suppose I’ve learned to carry my grief in my heart and not so much on my sleeve, but recently it’s spilling out, often unexpectedly.

All this remembering of his little life is coming at a time when I’m also flooded with thoughts of the future. What will she be like? What will she look like? How can I make sure she learns to know Ellis even though he left before she came? How do I help her love Jesus?

The sorrow intertwined with the joy in my life right now is a bit overwhelming. Call it grief, hormones, emotion, or what have you. Call it life. This side of heaven I don’t know how to reconcile this dichotomy in my thoughts and emotions. So, I keep on doing what I’ve been doing for the last 15 months: “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

Don't miss the miracles

Someone observing our lives for the last five months might come to the conclusion that God didn't answer our prayers or perform any miracles.  After all, numerous people from all over the world joined us in lifting up Ellis in prayer for almost three months, yet he died shortly after being born much like the doctors expected.  We believe that over the last couple months God answered many prayers and even performed miracles. 

It's true that God didn't answer our major prayer request the way we hoped He would.  For reasons we don't understand it was His plan to take Ellis home.  Ellis was God's to give and Ellis was God's to take.  But there were many other prayer requests that God graciously granted to us.  Topping the list was that we met Ellis.  From the first ultrasound when we found Ellis's complications to the 25th week when the amniotic fluid went bone dry to the moments when we lost his heart beat during labor, Ellis wasn't supposed to make it.  We prayed fervently that God would give us the chance to meet Ellis alive and God obliged.  God also answered prayer by giving us peace through the really tough times.  There were many occasions between April 6th and June 27th when God covered us in grace, but the one time that sticks out in my mind was our last few moments with Ellis's earthly body.  It was a moment I had dreaded.  In the hours leading up to saying good-bye I didn't think I could do it.  I thought I was going to have to be physically held back from chasing the nurse down the hallway after she took Ellis's body.  In that time we were covered with peace.  We had a wonderful last couple of moments saying good-bye to our son that I will never forget.  It still wasn't easy but we both felt an overwhelming peace when it came time to call the nurse to take Ellis away.

We also believe that God performed many miracles.  Miracles don’t have to break the laws of nature in front of multitudes of people.  We believe miracles are simply the works of God.  Sometimes God parts the seas or walks on water, other times His ways are more subtle but no less profound.  Ellis himself was a miracle, a wonder of God's creation.  The outpouring of support we received from family, friends, and strangers was miraculous.   The impact of Ellis's short life continues to be a miracle.  His story has been in sermons, Sunday school classes, letters, blogs, emails, and conversations.  God is using Ellis’s life, which lasted less than an hour, to reach many lives.  While we can’t fully understand God’s plan to take Ellis, we believe God has given us just a glimpse into His scheme by letting us see some of the ways Ellis impacted people.   For that, we are grateful.

-Tim

Next appointment

We see the specialist again on Tuesday morning. As usual, we appreciate your prayers during this time. This week's appointment is a fluid check, but they usually take a peek at Ellis's brain, heart, and bowels. We go into every appointment unsure of what's to come. Always a little apprehensive, but hopeful. We love getting a chance to see our little guy on the screen, but it's not easy to hear about his problems week after week. We're looking for hope and joy in these days. Thanks for supporting us in this.

With love, Tim and Rebecca