We’ve been told this little growing life is a girl. And, we’re thrilled. I think it would have been an emotional experience no matter the gender of this baby. It suddenly gave dimension to this baby’s role as a sibling of Ellis. I’ve been missing him intensely these days. It’s been nearly a year since I held him in my arms and I can’t stop thinking about that. I suppose I’ve learned to carry my grief in my heart and not so much on my sleeve, but recently it’s spilling out, often unexpectedly.
All this remembering of his little life is coming at a time when I’m also flooded with thoughts of the future. What will she be like? What will she look like? How can I make sure she learns to know Ellis even though he left before she came? How do I help her love Jesus?
The sorrow intertwined with the joy in my life right now is a bit overwhelming. Call it grief, hormones, emotion, or what have you. Call it life. This side of heaven I don’t know how to reconcile this dichotomy in my thoughts and emotions. So, I keep on doing what I’ve been doing for the last 15 months: “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”
Renée Henry has a nice ring to it! :)
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