Redemption

With great frequency, I find myself re-reading my words from this time last year. I’ve yet to do so and not burst into tears. It doesn’t take much for my heart and mind to rush back to that time, experiencing those emotions as if it’s for the first time. Sometimes, I’m still shocked this is my story. Is it really possible we lived through that? Did our firstborn really come and go so quickly? It seems to be common of the human condition that we struggle to embrace parts of who we are or what we’ve become. I’ve never felt that so strongly until I became Ellis’s mother. And yet, in all of this mess, I see Him doing something beautiful. I look at the short life my baby boy was blessed with and know that God did something amazing there. As I read the words I wrote then, His presence is palpable, even a year later. If I’m being truly honest, I have to admit I struggle to feel and know Him now like I did then. I cling to what I know to be true, but sometimes I wonder how I did it at the time, because it seems more difficult today.

Angie Smith wrote about it this way. I resonate deeply with her words here. It hurts and it’s harder than I thought it could be, but I trust, I know He will redeem all things. The beauty in that promise is simply overwhelming. It restores hope and awakens joy to the inner reaches of my weary soul. 

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
Revelation 21:5

3 months

3 months. In many ways I’m shocked to find myself here. How did time move so quickly? My heart remains bound to the moments when I could feel Ellis kick, hear his heartbeat, or better yet, hold him in my arms. And somehow, our time with him seems so far away. For many others, his life may seem distant despite the fact that thoughts of him fasten to every other thought in my mind.  I guess it is just that way when the baby was yours and not somebody else’s.

And yet, with each new day I’m reminded that I’m one day closer to him. My baby is already living a jubilant life in Heaven with Jesus. When I stop and truly consider that, it’s astounding. He’s living and he’s in Heaven with Jesus. It’s exciting. It’s overwhelming. It’s hopeful. It’s good. In my best moments, this is where my mind dwells. I’m praying for more moments like these.

3 months later, there is still so much to process. I keep discovering new things about myself, my husband, our families, our friends, and our God. Every child is a gift and we are continuing to experience the blessing of Ellis, even if we didn’t bring him home with us.  Our hearts ache, because we were the ones left behind, but our hearts can simultaneously celebrate because new life is ours too. Since our God was and is willing to give “new life so generously” we can hold onto that hope. One day, one amazing and glorious day, we will live as Ellis lives: in Heaven with Jesus. I can’t wait.

Titus 3:3-8 (The Message)

"It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit. Our Savior Jesus poured out new life so generously. God's gift has restored our relationship with him and given us back our lives. And there's more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this.”

Two Weeks Later

Somehow two weeks have managed to pass by. It seems strange that two weeks ago, Ellis was still growing in my womb. At the start of that Sunday, I thought he was still safe. I knew he wasn’t healthy, but for the time being, he was safe. This morning when I woke up, it felt so much like that Sunday, except that the absence of Ellis was piercing my heart. I know he’s in Heaven…it brings me joy when my heart is feeling especially heavy, but sometimes Heaven seems so very far away. I want to picture him there, but sometimes I can’t. I often pray that God will give me glimpses of Heaven and what Ellis’s life might be like there.  

I’m reading a book by Randy Alcorn titled Heaven. It’s putting details into what my imagination had already begun to envision, but I think God is helping me to see what that place is like. Reading about it and pondering it helps it to feel not so far away. Our little Ellis taught us so much these last few months. He helped to set my sight on eternity. Although I knew this was the ultimate as a child of God, I don’t know that I truly lived it until now. God created us for more than our years here on this Earth. He created us with eternity in mind. Our little boy, the one whose breaths only lasted a few minutes, is the one who taught us that lesson. It’s humbling. And thankfully, God is gracefully using it to bring me joy. There is joy in knowing that Ellis is already living out his eternal calling.

With love, Rebecca