Baby Sister

Somehow a month has gone by. Milly Joy was born on October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. A day when I will always think of my Ellis and now will always celebrate my Milly Joy. I'm glad my two babies can share that day.

She's named for two of her great-grandmothers -- Mildred and Joyce. Two women that left amazing legacies of faith. Two women that I hope Milly will grow to be like. And, I love the sentiment of her carrying the name Joy. She has renewed our joy in ways I didn't anticipate. I didn't know we could feel like this again.

Bringing Milly home has made me miss Ellis with a new intensity. I'm seeing and doing all the things I longed to do with him. It allows me to cherish these moments with Milly, but makes my heart ache for what was lost. It's been difficult to put any of this into words, but I do know the emotions run deep. I've become accustomed to the tangling of joy and sorrow in my life, this last month accentuated that. With time and practice I'm finding better ways to wear both well.

One year

My dear, sweet Ellis,

      Today you would have been one. That means, a year ago I held you in my arms for the first and last time. How could a year have passed already? I think of you so often throughout the day. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have you here. Or sometimes I try to imagine what your life must be like in Heaven. Mostly, I just plain miss you. My mama heart grew the moment I found out about you and kept growing until the day you were born. From June 27^th on, it has felt like my heart might burst with all the love I have for you. But with nowhere to place that mama love, I could feel myself being crushed from the inside out. You are missed, my little one, and you are loved. Oh, are you loved.

     In my mind, I find myself replaying the events leading up to your arrival, as well as the moments that define your birthday. Although I don’t always feel the intensity of the ache I did then, I find the mere memory of that day allows me to feel it all again. People keep telling me that with time the pain will soften. In many ways I’m grateful. It’s hard to live life with this aching burden permeating every inch of my soul, but I don’t want to forget how I felt in the days when I was closest to you. It’s part of my experience with you and that is something I don’t want to lose.

     Remembering your birthday also reminds me of so much good. You were born alive and I held you in my arms. That alone is evidence of God’s grace and kindness to us. But, He didn’t stop there. He allowed so many members of our family to be there when you were born and many others to join us later that day. He looked on us with favor when He allowed such kind nurses and doctors to be on duty while we were there. And His peace and presence was so evident that day. I remember feeling like the gates of Heaven were opened up in that hospital room. Daddy and I held you first, but later we knew we had handed you straight to Jesus. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Ellis, the joy of that day was that although your life wasn’t meant to be spent here on Earth, I know you are living healthy and whole in a place I don’t yet know. You were healed that day. Not in the way I had hoped and prayed for, but something I’ve come to learn is that the ways of our God are perfect, even when it doesn’t match my plan.

     Early this morning we went to your tree. When the clock turned to 5:08am, Daddy and I recalled the joy of that moment. “He made it! He’s alive!” Your strong Daddy exclaimed. We held you, watched you breathe, experienced your life. It was short, much too short. And the seeming injustice of celebrating your birthday by standing in the quiet next to a tree instead of with loud shouts of “Happy Birthday!” and singing to you for the hundredth time that day weighed heavy on my heart as the minutes at the tree ticked by. I don’t always know what to do with those feelings, but our big, good God does and even now, as my heart hurts so deeply, He’s meeting me here like He did in that room one year ago today.

     I hate that I’m writing a letter to you that I don’t know if you’ll be able to read. It feels like I need to cram a lifetime of love onto this page, but Ellis, I know there’s more to look forward to. This isn’t the end. “He has placed eternity in the human heart,” and I can’t wait to meet you there someday.

     Today, Daddy and I will do our best to remember you well. We want to celebrate your life, acknowledging the great gift we were given when God allowed us to become your parents.

I miss you, Baby Bear. Happy Birthday.
Love, Mama 

Part 3: Going Home

Part 1 and Part 2 of the story.

Our hearts were full. He was here. And, he was alive! We saw him gasp for a few breaths and felt his body move in our hands. For us, those were sacred moments. Ones we will never forget. Although he only breathed for a matter of minutes, his heartbeat lingered for a while longer. During that time Grandma Linda, Grandpa John, Aunt Sarah, and Aunt Hannah got to meet and hold him.

The rest of the day was truly beautiful. We were able to hold our son, take pictures, and share him with family. Tim's parents and brother, Nate, all made it there that day as well. Uncle Matt, Aunt Molly, Aunt Heather, Uncle Scotty, Aunt Lydia, and Uncle Dave were all there via skype and phone calls throughout the day. We wish we would have had more time to spend with Ellis and to share him with our family and friends, but God gave us a great gift in what we had that day.

Another blessing was the incredible medical staff who took care of us during our stay at the hospital. Every nurse and doctor showed compassion and respect while dealing with such a difficult situation. We felt they truly cared for us and Ellis. It helped make the day more sweet.

At the end of the day, we had a time of prayer with our family. It was a time of thanksgiving for Ellis's life and to say good-bye to his earthly body. After our extended family left, we had time to say our final good-byes and spend a short time together as a family. We journaled with him in our laps, read him one more story, took a few more pictures, gave him one last kiss, and said good-bye. God covered us with grace and peace in that moment.

We miss our boy, but celebrate that he is healthy and whole in Heaven.



Part 2: Hello Ellis

Part 1 of the story can be found here.

As Sunday night progressed into the early morning hours of Monday, Rebecca was able to get some rest. With Ellis's heartbeat as the continuous soundtrack, Tim stayed awake and waited. Rebecca's family arrived around 2:30am. We were so grateful and relieved to see them. It was hard to believe only a few hours earlier they had been home in California. After hugs and hello's, they decided to wait "with" us in the hospital's waiting room instead of going to Rebecca's sister's house to sleep.

The contractions continued to grow in strength and frequency. With each contraction, Ellis's little heartbeat began to waver. Our growing fear was that we would not be able to meet him before he left us. The nurse and the doctor both came to see if we wanted to continue monitoring Ellis's heart. We wanted to hear his heart as long as it had life and so kept the monitors in place. The next hour and a half we had as a family, we will never forget. As the monitor would periodically lose Ellis's heartbeat, we pleaded with God for the chance to meet Ellis. Each time, his little heartbeat would resume. In between our prayers, we read books we'd read to Ellis throughout the pregnancy, as well as our favorite portions of Scripture. We are so glad we had that time as a family.

When we weren't sure how much more time we had with Ellis, we both heard a strange noise. Rebecca's water had broken. The doctor told us it was time. The next 15 to 20 minutes seem like a blur, but in that time we experienced the miracle of life. He surprised us all by coming feet first. The greater surprise was the doctor handing Ellis to Tim and Tim exclaiming, "Rebecca, he made it! He's alive!"

Part 1: It's Time

As promised, we wanted to share more about Ellis's life and the opportunity we had to meet him. We will share the story in parts.

Last Sunday began in a very typical fashion. We had no reason to suspect that anything was different and, in fact, we were quite at ease considering the journey we'd already been on for almost 12 weeks. Soon after waking Rebecca noticed something of concern and decided to call the doctor. He suggested coming in to see him at Labor and Delivery. So, we grabbed our hospital bag and went to the hospital, nervous, but not really thinking this would turn into anything. Rebecca remembers praying that God would prompt others to pray for us at that moment. The uncertainty of the last few months was only multiplied in our hearts as we drove to the hospital.

The doctor monitored Rebecca for a couple of hours, noticed she was having irregular contractions, but decided to send us home with directions to return if the contractions increased in pain and frequency. We left feeling relieved, but aware that something had changed. We had a sense that we'd be meeting Ellis soon, but thought we might still have a little bit more time to prepare. Hungry after a long morning at the hospital, we enjoyed brunch together and then spent the afternoon resting at home.

Rebecca felt contractions on and off throughout the afternoon, but nothing was consistent, although she could feel them with greater intensity. Around 4:40, a series of contractions began that were not only consistent, but continued to grow in strength. Before an hour had passed, Rebecca had 6 contractions and we called the doctor back. He asked us to come in so he could monitor further, but indicated we might be able to go back home either late that night or the next morning. We left for the hospital worried that this might be the real thing. With so many stable appointments in the past month, we had fully expected this moment to be coming in a number of weeks, not hours. It was daunting, but God gave us grace in those moments. This included the willingness of Rebecca's sister, Sarah, to come back to the hospital with us that night. We were so glad to not be going in alone.

After the first examination, the doctor decided to keep us overnight, but things still seemed a bit precautionary. We had contacted our families, letting them know we were going to the hospital, but still thought this could be a false alarm. Rebecca's parents and sister, Hannah, decided to do what they could to catch the last flight out of San Diego that night. It was a moment where they had to make a decision without much information to guide them, but they felt the nudge to go and so they did. They got the last 3 seats on the plane and began their flight to Chicago. We were relieved they were on their way, but didn't know if we would be welcoming them only to say, "Well, he's not coming yet."

By 9pm, the contractions had again grown in strength and regularity. The doctor's examination found that labor was progressing. We began to realize that Ellis was on his way and that by sometime the next day we would be meeting our son.

Welcome little guy

Ellis Timothy Henry was born at 5:08 this morning. We were able to meet him and cherish him while he was full of life. Ellis has gone home to meet his Savior.

Happy birthday buddy. Love, Mom and Dad.